In the past, it was no secret that many women felt a sense of intimidation when it came to turning up the heat in the bedroom. It’s not that we lacked our inner lioness, but more the common misconception that allowing a woman’s more creative, wild side to be released in the bedroom would result in a loss of respect from her partner. As time passes we’re becoming more and more aware that it’s all about one-word… balance.
Breaking out the knee high leather heels from time to time does not make you a street walker. In a relationship based upon mutual trust, respect, and understanding, each person should be able to express their own wants and desires without any judgment. Also, thanks to an increasingly pro-feminist media allowing women to indulge in their own sexual fantasies, today’s modern woman is trading in her fifty shades of flushed for her Fifty Shades of Grey.
Now we’re not suggesting you break out the chains and whips just yet but on your quest to nurturing your inner Ana Steele, perhaps start with a small gesture that’s equally effective. It’s time to get dirty with a little dirty talk. We have the answers to some of your most thought-provoking questions on the subject, and they will be sure to have your tongue wagging by the end of this article.
According to MSNBC, only 40% of women are willing to make requests in the bedroom, while 87% of men said they would agree to trying new things in bed with his lady. So just looking at the numbers; it’s safe to say that the likelihood of having a guy shoot down your venture into the erotic unknown isn’t very high. Remember that special key word we brought up earlier? Balance? It’s time to tap into how to utilize that.
Who Runs the World?
Times are changing and so are women. We have reached a turning point in which we demand respect. 63% of women work in a high stress business atmosphere. So if you’re in the role of head honcho, finding yourself calling the shots all day, a little submission in the bedroom may relieve that office tension.
It’s a known fact that the majority of men who enjoy being dominated in the bedroom are men who are required to make numerous decisions in the workplace. The opportunity to have someone else call the shots in the bedroom is a welcome change of pace. There’s no difference in this when it comes to women.
Simply decide before hand, what you’re comfortable with him saying to you and what you’re not. Then when things are heating up between the sheets, introduce it to him in the form of a question, Example: “Am I your bad girl?” This is perfect because he can take this into two different directions. Either a) he’s into it and can respond, and encourage the conversation and you’ve already established a platform to grow from or b) he’s not that into it, he doesn’t have to respond and you can pass the whole thing as you being caught up in the moment.
Wallflower, no More
Consider some popular sexual concepts men seem to idolize: “the naughty librarian” “the naughty school teacher” “the naughty nurse.” These ideas are popular because nothing is sexier than a contradiction.
The element of surprise is an invaluable tool in the bedroom. If due to your career or simply your demeanor you are already perceived as the shy type, then girlfriend thank your lucky stars because you have the upper hand. In this situation you may want to break out of that comfortable shell of yours to experience the “dominant role.” Quite like the outward, decision making business woman would enjoy someone else calling the shots, perhaps you may enjoy having the say.
Taking charge in the bedroom can offer the relationship a refreshing twist. There’s no need to be bossy, simply assume your role in the sheets as woman on top and don’t be afraid to express how good it feels to be the one making him hot. From there you can see just how far your reign in the bedroom will get you. All hail the queen.
Words of Motivation
You’ve been there before, the sex is great and the chemistry is dead-on but if only he was a little to the left it would be heaven. Or how about this one, he tries out a new trick in bed that you LOVE but you crave more of it before venturing into your usual positions. Honey, he’s no mind reader, SPEAK UP. You don’t have to act like you’re directing traffic to get exactly what you want during sex. Yes, men can be very sensitive to the idea that they’re not satisfying your needs, but that’s when we refer back to our golden word BALANCE.
Be sure to let him know not only when things need a bit of adjusting but when you’re really enjoying yourself as well. Think of it as a business survey, and you’re voicing what’s working and what’s not. This way he knows what to keep and what to nix. To avoid coming off as too controlling, try something referred to by psychologists and relationship therapists as “the sandwich method.” It works like this; sandwich your request, which may be viewed as a negative, in between two positives.
So for example, if you want more foreplay, instead of blurting out “how come we don’t do more foreplay before sex?” try sandwiching it like this: “Baby, I love how excited you are when we get straight to it, but sometimes I could use a bit more teasing before hand. I promise to return the favor.” Compliment, request, incentive.
The Devil is in the Details
We all have that one secret fantasy; if you really want to heat things up, it may be time to share your secret. Men love hearing a woman’s personal fantasy for a number of reasons but mostly because it allows them to gain insight into the kind of things she likes, and he now knows that he’s not the only one who’s thoughts verge into naughtier territory.
When it comes down to sharing your deepest desires, it’s not the time to be vague. “I have one fantasy where I’m handcuffed” isn’t really saying much. Get in touch with your inner narrator; describe to him what happens step by step because you know it by heart. If you’re too shy to express it face to face, a sexy email or text will suffice but make sure you trust him enough to not show it to others. Don’t think of it as being dirty, think of it as sharing something personal with someone you care about.
What the Boys Have to Say:
Here’s a little bit of what guys have to say on the matter, and what they wished you knew.
“I rarely verbalize how perverted I really get and I would love a woman who verbalizes her fantasies or perversions”
Men take the woman’s lead, usually out of respect, when it comes to sex. The farther you’re willing to push the barriers allows them to know how far they should go with you in return. The freer you are, the more free they’ll feel.
“I would only judge if it sounds forced or scripted…”
Do what feels natural; you’re his girlfriend not a porn star. You want to step into unknown territory and shake things up but if you feel like you’re forcing it, take it down a couple of notches and go at your own pace.
“I’ve had instances where she’s said something completely off topic or told me that she was allergic to latex and that totally killed the mood for me”
You want to be able to share with your partner, and be open however there are some things that should be discussed pre-boudoir. Allergies and similar concerns shouldn’t be brought up during the deed; remember keep it sexy.
“If she talked dirty I would find her more confident, and that I like”
Shed any concerns that he’s going to think less of you. Being able to indulge in a little dirty dialect just shows how confident you are with your sexuality, and any man will tell you that confidence is the sexiest thing there is.
“The whole point of dirty talk is to get both parties excited. If dirty talk happens all the time than it becomes monotonous.”
Don’t use dirty talk as a crutch. Remember that element of surprise we discussed earlier? Even the sexiest things can become a bore if done to death. Mix it up, bust out that naughty tongue on holidays then when he thinks it’s just for special occasions or surprise him on an ordinary week night. Not so ordinary anymore…
“In the moment would be more fun for me- talking about it ahead of time would seem too faux”
This goes back to keeping it natural. It can be scary to just jump in and go for it not knowing how he’s going to react but you can trust it’s entirely worth the risk. Talking about it before hand spoils it and makes it all seemed staged. Take it little by little, and read his body language and his responses. You’ll know what to do from there.